I Need My Coffee.

I didn’t know what to write for this blog post, so I asked The Brain Goddess Hanna for some ideas. Kristin (she refuses to be linked) is The Ruler of the Brain Goddess. Anyways, Hanna recommended that I write about ice cream.

One thing I’ll never be able to understand is green-tea ice cream. Why green tea? Ice cream companies could’ve chosen at least something more reasonable like raspberry tea or honey tea or or something, but nooo, they opted for the weird way out.

It doesn’t even TASTE like actual green tea. Well truth be told it’d be kind of impossible to make accurately flavored green tea ice cream, since ice cream has some sort of milk/cream-ish thing dumped in there, and traditionally green tea (or any East-Asian tea for that matter) is not mixed in with secretion from cow udders. That’s just gross.

Green tea ice cream tastes similar to the way mothballs smell and leaves a very strange and powdery sensation in your mouth, especially when you try to mash it up with your tongue a couple times.

In fact, I don’t understand why anything has to be green tea-flavored, other than green tea itself. Yesterday I saw a pack of “Green Tea Mints” for sale in some sort of store. What the hell?! Green Tea Mints?! How is that supposed to freshen your breath? O_o The green tea that I know doesn’t have much of a strong taste, so combining it with something like mint just makes no sense. Unless the green tea flavor in the “Green Tea Mints” is the ice cream green tea flavor, which then that’s really nasty. A zest of mothball-ishness and a powdery aftertaste combined with the zing of mint? It’ll make your breath worse, if anything.

Actually, why can’t we just leave mints alone? I really don’t know why we as humans feel the need to consume mints that are “citrus flavored” or “peach flavored” or “melon flavored” or “coffee flavored” (”coffee-flavored mint” a bit of an oxymoron, considering that coffee tends to make one’s breath smell not unlike rotting car exhaust). Do humans need any more of an incentive to suck on mints other than to freshen breath? I thought the possibility of being branded with the letter “B” for Bad Breath and therefore becoming a social leper forever destined to lurk outside the edges of social life (whilst breathing air smelling of turds into everyone’s face) was incentive enough.

I would complain about strawberry flavored Cheetos and coffee-flavored milk (YOU CANNOT CALL THAT VILE CONCOCTION “COFFEE”. THE NEXT CRETIN THAT CALLS THAT CRAP “COFFEE” GETS A WHOMP TO THE FACE AND A MACHETE IN THE BACK), but I am much too tired and would rather squash goombas than piss myself off by listing all the lets-put-together-any-sort-of-crap-flavor-and-see-if-it-will-sell “food products” that are roaming the world.

NOTE: This parody is not meant to offend at all.

Mr. Bray, of English Room H401, had locked the door to his room, but was much too coffee and sleep-depraved to remember to lock his Macbook. With his empty Starbucks thermos clattering against his KIS ID card (which he kept picture-side down), he blundered across the hall to the middle school building, kicked a rogue piece of binder paper in his way, and shuffled into the Spanish room where his wife Mrs. Bray was doling out Spanish pop quizzes to unfortunate students.

As soon as his footsteps faded into the distance, the room was aflutter with students’ typing the Facebook URL into the URL box of Firefox. There had been a rumor that everyone in the room had been invited to an event on Facebook by Josh, but they weren’t sure what it was for. All they knew was that in the middle of Geometry Josh had a sudden revelation and wished to share it with the others in the classroom. It was agreed to all meet on a Skype conference as soon as Mr. Bray left the classroom, but then someone in the IT office screwed up the internet connection and no one could log on. Thus, they were forced to resort to the old-school, face-to-face way of meetings, which was in fact quite convenient since they were all in the same classroom anyways.

“Fellow classmates, I’m sure all of you heard of my epiphany I had in Geometry class yesterday, but first I would like to say something else. I have a dentist appointment in half an hour, so I won’t be with you guys much longer.” He was met with blank stares.

“Anyways, let’s cut to the chase. We are oppressed and are ruled with tyranny. Our human rights to privacy are turded upon with this blasted Remote Control Desktop 3. We are forced to endure grueling lessons of Sentence Patterns. We were forced to read a story about a guy who turned into a bug for no reason and another about a woman ditching her spouse, and we’re supposed to believe that those shenanigans are accepted as ‘literary classics.’ Our lives hang by a thread thanks to this dreaded Edline crap. My friends, it is time to REVOLT!!!!”

Everyone agreed, obviously. They all cheered and danced to Flo Rida’s song “Low” for many minutes. Then Josh cleared his throat and said he did prepare a song to sing entitled The Students of English, but he was going to be late for his dentist’s appointment, and his mom would be pissed, so instead he posted the lyrics up on the English 9 wikispace and left to get a root canal done.

Mr. Bray had returned, and immediately assigned the class a new project of some sort because he was pissed that they didn’t have his favorite coffee flavor (Mocha) in stock in the teacher’s lounge anymore. The project was tedious and completely useless, as it had no actual connection to English class, but when Mr. Bray was confronted with complaints, he threatened the students with “the connection between this project and English class is your GRADE,” and popped ‘em upside the head for good measure whilst reluctantly sipping his crappy americano.

It was at that moment when Jane threw the first punch and chucked a board marker at Mr. Bray’s shaven head. “NO MORE TYRANNY!!!” she cried. That got the whole class started. Pens of various colors and sizes were shoved into Mr. Bray’s ears while others bounced off his head and body. Someone swung a laptop bag and slapped Mr. Bray firmly across the back. Nogamoto finally tipped the scales with a full-on body slam to Mr. Bray’s pen-stained body, flinging him out the door. Victory was theirs!!! (Mr. Aitken from across the hall decided to adopt “Ignorance is bliss” as his new motto and kept out o fthe situation.)

At last, the students were free to run their own classroom (Jenny, using her l33t h4×0r skillz, changed everybody’s grades to a 10000000000000001% A++++). Ed and Noga, always being the eager ones to bring forth new (but useless and incomprehensible) ideas, sprung to the white board and took reign of the classroom discussion.

“Okay guys,” said Ed. “Before we start, we need to make some basic guidelines here. Let’s decide on a few rules everyone can agree on.”

“I’LL WRITE THEM DOWN, YOU SLIMY SYCOPHANTS!” screeched Jane, for no apparent reason. She seized a marker and proceeded to furiously scribble pictures of pigs and donkeys on to the board.

Yunji was the first to make a suggestion. “How about we decide who is the enemy and who is the friend?” Murmurs ran though the class as they all agreed this should be a priority when addressing the new rules for the classroom.

“What about The Forbidden Expo Markers From Mr. Boerner?” questioned Yusun. Ed nodded. “Yes, those will definitely be opened for public use. Mr. Bray has been unjustly hoarding them for much too long.” Jane’s eyes glinted greedily as she gnawed on the cap of the inferior Korean-brand board marker.

Soon, the class was in a full-fledged discussion with tears, sweat, and blood included (Daniel Lee had given Jenny a papercut), and covered topics that are much too long for the author to explain in full detail right now as it is 1:57 in the morning. Regardless, the official list of the seven rules was this:

1. Whatever wears a tie and tucked-in collar shirts is an enemy
2. Whatever has a Facebook and is in the Korea International School ‘11 network is a friend.
3. No student shall drink coffee in large Starbucks thermos’.
4. No student shall sit in the swivel chair.
5. No student shall hoard The (No Longer) Forbidden Expo Markers From Mr. Boerner.
6. No student shall issue homework, assignments, and projects to any other student.
7. All students are equal.

These were written on the white board, each in a different color from the markers of The (No Longer) Forbidden Expo Board Markers. A griffin flew threw the window and smudged a bit of the writing; consequently he was shot to death and proffered to the headphones of Josh, which were now on display at the entrance of the classroom in memory of the moving speech he presented to the students 45 minutes ago.

Over the next few days, word got around to other classrooms of the revolt and similar revolts were attempted by other students, and of course the students of Room H401 (which they now called the Student Room instead of the English Room) fully supported each revolt and even supplied ammunition such as multicolored pens to chuck at the teacher.

There was a problem, however. Ed and Noga, who were now the two self-proclaimed leaders of the class, were starting to disagree with each other more and more. If Noga wanted more Facebooking time instead of MSNing time, then Ed would push for the exact opposite. If Noga supported Barack Obama, then Ed would accuse Obama for using “racial advantage” and create a shrine in honor of Hillary Clinton. Ed, being quite eloquent, was first to win over the people’s minds with a few well-placed swear words and free trips to the cafeteria. Noga on the other hand was becoming increasingly unpopular and that made him very mad. And a mad Noga was not a nice one.

After a few more days of Ed and Noga constantly bickering, Noga decided to take the extreme way out and mail-ordered nine tasers to the classroom. As soon as he received them, he promptly tasered Ed out of the room, where he was issued a detention from Mr. Schneider for being in the hallways without a hallway pass. Then Noga proceeded to taser anyone else who seemed to be opposed to Noga’s new reign over the classroom. Without asking anyone else, he set up his own national holiday to be celebrated in the classroom called National Japan Appreciation Day, and forced everyone to write a report on why “Japan is so hot” (so eloquently put by Noga). People who refused were tasered severely and were forced to bring in a hundred thousand won worth of sushi for next class. Still, Jane told the other classmates that this was all for a good cause, and that writing about Japan was better than writing retarded personal narritives, plus they could Facebook to their heart’s content (as long as they wrote one wall post a day on Noga’s profile). That convinced the students a little more, though some still had their doubts.

At that moment, however, Mr. Boerner stormed into the room (past the barricade of desks and chairs) and warned the kids to quit kidding themselves, and that all their parents would be called as of this afternoon. Everyone moaned in great despair and began mauling Noga in revenge. Mr. Bray re-entered the classroom stainless (albeit a small streak of green across his left eye) and announced a surpirse DOL check, which screwed everybody over and in the end, everything became the same again (minus the lack of Noga and Ed, which wasn’t a terrible loss in retrospect.)

The End.